An Honest and Emotional Reveal
We live in a world where you’re either paranoid about your body or frankly you couldn’t care less what the world thinks. I’m somewhere in-between although sometimes I can go to either extreme.
When I’m at the negative vulnerable extreme (especially just before my period), this is what I tell myself:
“That person is looking at you ‘cos you’re so big, you’re waddling. They think you look miserable. A miserable fat face doesn’t look good. Why can’t you look like those big women with slim pretty faces? Why do you have a double chin? Your face looks big from all angles. Swollen. The glasses you wear are your saving grace as it breaks up your face a bit. Can you imagine if you didn’t wear glasses?
You also have a big head. One too big for your height.
The slimmest part of your body is your calves, but they’re kinda fat & stumpy too. Your toenails are thick and dark – don’t ever think about exposing them in the summer. Your breasts are droopy, they’ve never really been perky anyway – from the time you turned 16, they started heading down south – but now, they’re just reeeally droopy, even when you’ve got a bra on. Your breasts are big – don’t ever think about wearing a t-shirt, wear something dark and roomy. Your breasts don’t look good in that coat you’ve got on, it makes them look really flat – it’s embarrassing - wear that bright orange neck scarf to disguise it.
No one’s looking at you on the bus ‘cos you’re not hip enough, young enough, fit enough, pretty enough. You’re invisible.
Don’t walk down the street ‘cos people will either not see you at all or see you for the tramp that you are. You feel like a tramp ‘cos you look like a tramp. Those people in the car are looking at you. Those people in the bus are looking at you. That guy that just made a pass at you is desperate, drunk, blind or practising .
The stretch marks on your stomach are hideous – and they’re spreading. They itch because they’re spreading ‘cos you’re putting on weight ‘cos you’re lazy ‘cos you eat too much ‘cos you procrastinate ‘cos you don’t wanna help yourself ‘cos you’ll never lose weight ‘cos you’re lazy ‘cos you’re lazy ‘cos you’re lazy.
Your stomach is big – when you lie on your side, it spreads horizontally. You used to have a flat stomach even when you had a big butt and thighs. But now you’re just shapeless – a big blob of thighs, butt and stomach.
Your thighs hurt from the rubbing when you’re walking – but that’s obviously not painful enough.
And don’t get mad at your aunty for saying you’re bigger than your older sister. ‘Cos you are. Your sister’s got kids. You don’t. So what’s your excuse?
You live next to a gym, signed up for membership and only been twice. You should be ashamed of yourself. Shame on you. Shame. Shame. Shame.
Physically, you have nothing going for you. Except for your skin. But good skin never got anyone a partner.
Yes, go have another chocolate, another tiramisu, another piece of chicken. It’ll make you feel better – make you feel like the fat lazy bitch that you are.
Blame your childhood, your parents, your brothers, your school, your ex – that’s right – it’s their fault you’re fat.
Then when you’re done blaming them, blame yourself, feel guilt, feel shame, feel remorse, promise yourself tomorrow you’ll change, promise yourself that’s the last cheesecake you’re gonna have, the last butter-smeared toast you’ll dig your teeth into. Eggs aren’t gonna fry, cheese won’t melt, you’ll drink lots of water and go to the gym first thing tomorrow and everyday. ‘Cos the gym’s only next door, isn’t it?
You’re never gonna change.
Neither will your body.”
Janet, 33, Premenstrual, London.
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